roisin whyte

This week, I will be mostly waiting to hear the first ever radio play of one of my songs.

I am 47 years old.

It’s not surprising that it’s taken this long. Everything takes me longer than it really should. That may sound harsh. I have certainly been wile unkind to myself in the past for the ‘way I am’. Most people are though, in some way – (unkind to themselves). I have said the kinds of things to myself I wouldn’t say to anyone else in a blue fit. It is a pity that we are often so self critical.

And yes, it takes time to do get stuff done. Have you SEEN the state of the world? Just keeping on when everything is such a hot mess feels like not nothing. I do realise that I say that from the ultra privileged position of someone who can safely house my children and know that they are not at risk of been blown to bits or starved to death.

So Why Keep On?…

Well we have to, unless we stop, and there’s nothing in that. I mentioned that I’m 47. It’s not old, really. My dad was almost 54 when I was born, so by that yard stick I’m not yet a twinkle in his eye. Of course, 47 is not young either. I am at the stage where my children are still young but gaining independence. I also have close relatives that are aging and/or infirm with increasing support needs.

And I myself, have less years left on earth than what I’ve already spent.

In short, I do not have time for my own horseshit. And what that horseshit includes; but is not limited to, is:

• Not listening to/trusting myself.
• Not speaking up for myself (even when the voice shakes etc).
• Not acknowledging the burden of family and work commitments, and how they are ever changing/evolving.
• The perpetual, niggling voice that says you should be doing something, anything. It’s probably some version/by-product of capitalism, and it particularly affects women. Women are disproportionately less able to spend because (a) their home-based/child-rearing labour doesn’t raise revenue (b) they are often already struggling to ensure their children have everything they need (c) they are systematically targeted by capitalism to buy more things to make up for the shortcomings they (don’t actually) have.

One thing that I can say in my favour, is that I genuinely have never believed that I or anyone else is too old to do the thing they want to do, whatever the thing is. I think it is because I am always beyond excited to know that someone, anyone, whatever their age, has made a thing that didn’t exist until they made it. A song, a story a sketch. I think there should be far more fanfare for the process of making & doing, wherever it leads. And sometimes it doesn’t lead to completion. Not everything gets finished, but every attempt at creating brings new observations and will invariably contribute to the next time.

…..”Try again. Fail again. Fail better“….

So How to Keep on?

• Listen/trust myself. Middle-aged women have extremely good instincts about people/situations. It’s an unsung-mid-life-super power. Wear the damn cape.
• Work to increase the ratio of time indoors to time outdoors in favour of the latter. I’m pretty sure the natural world is what we are actually seeking.
• Be awake to the world sucking you in, and dragging you down to a place of inaction. When it feels like there is no point because the bastards have gotten you down – they have the money/power to make stuff happen but none of the requisite compassion/wit.
• Remember what I can do rather than what I can’t. Can I go to that protest in solidarity? Can I give a tenner now and then to a good support organisation? Can I not use Air BnB, not get a latte from Starbucks, not use AI because it’s so monstrously environmentally disastrous? I would say that in most of these cases the answer is yes – I can not do that. Or at least, the answer is I could do much less of all that.
• Realise the value in what I do. I work as a musician. Either engaged in music education or in creating original work. I believe that music teaching does a whole lot more than teach music. It teaches habit, teamwork, listening, resilience, waiting, shining, failing, failing better. It has compassion built in. It is not nothing.
• Creating original work that gives something of myself is a tiny revolution. It is a two fingers to the world that thinks it has digitally scored into us the blueprint of what makes human beings worthwhile. It is not nothing.
• Don’t let the aforementioned bastards drag you down.

I am 47 years old.

This week I will hear the first ever radio play from my debut EP. I hope that if you hear it, you will like it. But if you don’t, that is none of my business or my concern. I didn’t make it for you. It is a tiny bit of me, of how I feel the world. It has never been done in quite this way before.

And that, is not nothing.