roisin whyte

So the title – Pure anorak, I know. Not even great as a pun, but I couldn’t seem to resist.

DAW, for the uninitiated, stands for Digital Audio Workstation – a computer programme used to record, mix and produce music/audio. I spent much of my twenties working with them as a producer on radio. I loved making programmes, stings, adverts for radio. My introvert self was very happy in the studio, left to my own devices, literally. But for all the time spent recording voices and producing stories for radio, I never used them for recording my own music and songs.

During the days of the pandemic I enrolled on an online course, designed specifically for women who wanted to learn the process of recording and producing their own music. It was very useful and I learned a lot. I made some demos, though nothing that I liked. And time moved on. I haven’t produced the EP/album that I had hoped to. And that has at times, been painful. But some things emerged recently that have helped my own understanding of myself. Reflecting on them allows me to show a little more self-compassion than I have done in the past.

I have long had a dream to write, record and produce my own EP/album. I have enough songs for at least 2 EPs, possibly 3. I have tried to record some of those songs. I’ve never succeeded in getting anything across the line. I recently started trying to record my work again. Nothing I’ve done has come close to what I feel my songs and music could be. So over time, there has been a lot of starting and stopping. A lot of disappointment. A lot of witheringly negative self talk.

Why Can’t I Finish Anything?

I started recording at home (again) in May 2024. I was determined to get at least one song produced to a standard that I was happy with, before my children finished school for the summer holidays. I showed up, every chance I could, but again, I struggled. I learned loads; (more of that in a bit), but I could see my attempts at completing the recording/producing process going the same way as those had gone before. Going nowhere.

I have recently had to consider aspects of neurodivergence as it applies to my family. This lead me to look at myself and my own history, some of the things I’ve struggled with. Focussing, forgetfulness, forever losing things, procrastination, starting projects that I can’t seem to finish. It struck me that perhaps there is more to my shortcomings than I previously realised – a fundamental root cause, which, if identified, could be managed or at least offset. I don’t have any formal diagnosis, but I very strongly suspect that I have inattentive ADHD, and I now use tools to manage how that affects me.

I love a list now. I always have, but now my lists are plans really, and are way more useful. So in the spirit of the list, below are some things that I do/did and have learned, both about recording and about myself.

7 in total. My daughter’s lucky number.

1. I have a weekly plan that will take in all I need or want to do in a week. I’ll do it on a Sunday evening, typically. I’ll block activities that require trips to a certain area of the city to happen on a particular day for example. I find it much more time efficient.
2. I only use Facebook (am not on Twitter or Instagram), but I use it too much. It feeds procrastination and ultimately guilt/negative self-talk. I now have a limit on my phone of 45 minutes each day and only my husband knows to pass code to extend it. It works. I do other, better, more nourishing/productive stuff. Or I have a nap. Still winning.
3. I’ll do at least one task that I hate/makes me anxious first thing or early in the day. It means that stuff I need to do and actually love; (practising an instrument, for example), is something I can look forward to so the day doesn’t seem to only involve drudgery.
4. I use apps/reminders on my phone, physical calendars on the wall, nice notebooks to keep me on track and provide additional reminders for my sieve-like brain.
5. I have a one place for keys/wallets and I go straight to that place as soon as I’m in the door. I simply won’t know where I’ve put them if I don’t. It avoids the inevitable frustrating, time-wasting, sometimes stressful hunting. And because I am liable to lose things I need multiple times across a day, having any little routines that can help to avoid that, is important.
6. I turned up. I spent a number of sessions teaching myself things about recording. Although I do not currently have recordings I like, I have learned so much about the process. Every little technical problem that I worked out, with my DAW or mic went into my notebook. And every time I set up my recording space I learned something new and useful, no matter how small.
7. Find a way. It is unlikely I will use the recordings I have made. But I have learned many useful things and will not let go of my dream to deliver a whole recording, project myself, from start to finish. I also accept that if I want to get my work recorded soon, I need help from professionals. My demos will hopefully help me secure funding to get my music recorded properly.

It is very easy to turn in on the self when things don’t go as we’d hoped. It is in those times that extra self-care is needed. The ‘Be Kind’ mantra is possibly the most hollowed out phrase of the Instagram age. But for myself I have learned, that it is the times that I feel the least deserving, when I most need to give myself a break. Or a fancy coffee. Or a trip to the movies/museum on my own in the afternoon. The company of a friend. The woods, the sea.

And music. Always music.